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Grief
Jul 7, 2018 2:14:06 GMT -5
Post by LostLenore on Jul 7, 2018 2:14:06 GMT -5
I need help. I've tried the grief and bereavement categories on reddit and on other sites that claim to be operated by grief counselors, but nothing helps, I've spent a few days lurking on this site and it's very, very different from any other that I've found. From some of the topics, like "Death Brings a Christmas and New Year Draped in Black" and even the comments in the article the lady who calls herself Graveyardbride (a superb name, BTW) posted about the killing of the Routier children in Texas, I think that there are some here who know what I'm going through. I'm from the South, like many of you are, and I think you'll understand.
I recently lost my closest friend. He was a man, but we weren't ever lovers and I had known him for 30 years. I'm sure that it was because we weren't lovers that we were friends for so many years. After he died, I suddenly realized that he was really the only friend I had left. All the others had died. All I do is cry. Nothing means anything anymore. I can barely see what I'm typing through the tears. Please, someone who has lost a close relative or a very close friend that you had known for a long time: When will the debilitating grief go subside? Or will I end up like Queen Victoria, grieving for the rest of my life, which right now, I hope isn't very long. - Lenore
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Post by madeline on Jul 7, 2018 3:11:19 GMT -5
I need help. I've tried the grief and bereavement categories on reddit and on other sites that claim to be operated by grief counselors, but nothing helps, I've spent a few days lurking on this site and it's very, very different from any other that I've found. From some of the topics, like "Death Brings a Christmas and New Year Draped in Black" and even the comments in the article the lady who calls herself Graveyardbride (a superb name, BTW) posted about the killing of the Routier children in Texas, I think that there are some here who know what I'm going through. I'm from the South, like many of you are, and I think you'll understand.
I recently lost my closest friend. He was a man, but we weren't ever lovers and I had known him for 30 years. I'm sure that it was because we weren't lovers that we were friends for so many years. After he died, I suddenly realized that he was really the only friend I had left. All the others had died. All I do is cry. Nothing means anything anymore. I can barely see what I'm typing through the tears. Please, someone who has lost a close relative or a very close friend that you had known for a long time: When will the debilitating grief go subside? Or will I end up like Queen Victoria, grieving for the rest of my life, which right now, I hope isn't very long. - Lenore I married an older man who died within a month of our wedding date, so I have some idea of what you're going through. Like you, I didn't think that I could go on and I spent so much time in the cemetery weeping beside his grave that I lost almost 30 pound and got so thin that people were worrying about me. This group had two previous groups on Yahoo and in 2007, I joined the one called MysteriesUnsolved and that summer, on a whim, I decided to join four other women, who were also in the group, that I had never met on a Dark Shadows trip to Tarrytown, NY. After that, we've been taking a Dark Shadows trip every year -- that would be more than 10 years now.
As you know, it's so awful at first that you think that you can't go on, but after a while, some say that it's normally around 8 weeks, you begin to feel a little better and you will think about your loved one less. You won't ever stop thinking about him completely and I don't think that's something that you would want even if you could, but the hurt will be less.
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Grief
Jul 7, 2018 4:10:38 GMT -5
Post by LostLenore on Jul 7, 2018 4:10:38 GMT -5
I married an older man who died within a month of our wedding date, so I have some idea of what you're going through. Like you, I didn't think that I could go on and I spent so much time in the cemetery weeping beside his grave that I lost almost 30 pound and got so thin that people were worrying about me. This group had two previous groups on Yahoo and in 2007, I joined the one called MysteriesUnsolved and that summer, on a whim, I decided to join four other women, who were also in the group, that I had never met on a Dark Shadows trip to Tarrytown, NY. After that, we've been taking a Dark Shadows trip every year -- that would be more than 10 years now.
As you know, it's so awful at first that you think that you can't go on, but after a while, some say that it's normally around 8 weeks, you begin to feel a little better and you will think about your loved one less. You won't ever stop thinking about him completely and I don't think that's something that you would want even if you could, but the hurt will be less. But what do I do between now and then? I'm not a young woman and as I said, all of my my other friends have either died or moved away. I have no family here and no one to talk to. I have some old anti-anxiety meds prescribed several years ago, but while they seem to help me sleep, they don't seem to be helping when I'm awake. I recently drank about a half-a small glass of whiskey, even though I've heard that alcohol is a depressant. When I'm online, I see things that I think my dead friend would find interesting and then I remember that he's dead. I'm in agony and I don't know what to do.
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Post by Graveyardbride on Jul 7, 2018 11:11:03 GMT -5
But what do I do between now and then? I'm not a young woman and as I said, all of my other friends have either died or moved away. I have no family here and no one to talk to. I have some old anti-anxiety meds prescribed several years ago, but while they seem to help me sleep, they don't seem to be helping when I'm awake. I recently drank about a half-a small glass of whiskey, even though I've heard that alcohol is a depressant. When I'm online, I see things that I think my dead friend would find interesting and then I remember that he's dead. I'm in agony and I don't know what to do. First, I'm sorry for your loss and welcome to our group. Many of us know how you feel because we've been through the same thing. There's no quick fix. The only thing that heals grief is time and it takes longer for some than others. The fact you're alone is making it worse. If you had close friends or relatives with whom you could spend time, it would be much easier.
Having gone through the same thing -- more than once -- my best advice is to stay as busy. Take a class, or join a group of people who have similar interests, such as a writer's group or a group of women who make crafts, something that will get you out of the house and allow you to spend time with other people. You could even volunteer your time at a library, hospital, or perhaps a historical association. Spending time outdoors will also help. If you live where you can walk in the woods or in a country setting, you should do so, but even walking in a city is helpful because you have to pay attention. At home, keep the TV on when you're reading, cleaning, or even when you're trying to sleep as a distraction.
It's not going to be easy and grief is a natural process. Normally, people begin to accept the death of their loved one and adjust to life without him/her after approximately eight weeks, but for some, it takes longer. You could join a grief support group now and if there is no improvement, see a psychiatrist who specializes in grief. There's a condition called Complicated Bereavement Disorder, but I've read that doctors do not consider this until at least six months after the loved one's death.
In the meantime, feel free to ask any questions you have, or simply post how you're coping with your loss. Death is going to touch everyone sooner or later and people need to know what to expect when they begin losing family members and friends.
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Post by jane on Jul 7, 2018 23:36:34 GMT -5
But what do I do between now and then? I'm not a young woman and as I said, all of my my other friends have either died or moved away. I have no family here and no one to talk to. I have some old anti-anxiety meds prescribed several years ago, but while they seem to help me sleep, they don't seem to be helping when I'm awake. I recently drank about a half-a small glass of whiskey, even though I've heard that alcohol is a depressant. When I'm online, I see things that I think my dead friend would find interesting and then I remember that he's dead. I'm in agony and I don't know what to do. As we age, we lose more and more of those we love. It's just a fact of life. Like others have said, I find that staying busy is the best medicine for a normal recovery. If you get out and meet new people, you will make new friends -- not like the one who died -- but friends nonetheless. You'll miss him until the day you die, but you just have to make the best of things until you are reunited with him in the great beyond.
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Post by pat on Jul 8, 2018 7:59:17 GMT -5
I need help. I've tried the grief and bereavement categories on reddit and on other sites that claim to be operated by grief counselors, but nothing helps, I've spent a few days lurking on this site and it's very, very different from any other that I've found. From some of the topics, like "Death Brings a Christmas and New Year Draped in Black" and even the comments in the article the lady who calls herself Graveyardbride (a superb name, BTW) posted about the killing of the Routier children in Texas, I think that there are some here who know what I'm going through. I'm from the South, like many of you are, and I think you'll understand.
I recently lost my closest friend. He was a man, but we weren't ever lovers and I had known him for 30 years. I'm sure that it was because we weren't lovers that we were friends for so many years. After he died, I suddenly realized that he was really the only friend I had left. All the others had died. All I do is cry. Nothing means anything anymore. I can barely see what I'm typing through the tears. Please, someone who has lost a close relative or a very close friend that you had known for a long time: When will the debilitating grief go subside? Or will I end up like Queen Victoria, grieving for the rest of my life, which right now, I hope isn't very long. - Lenore As long as you spend all of your time alone grieving over your loss, things won't improve. Listen to what others have said and get a hobby or do something that will get you out among people. I don't know if you're a Christian, but if you are, you could start attending church. A lot of organizations are in need of volunteers and some cities post them online. Check out your local city online and see if there's something you could do. Or you could try to find a local support group for the bereaved.
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Post by julia on Jul 8, 2018 14:31:16 GMT -5
But what do I do between now and then? I'm not a young woman and as I said, all of my my other friends have either died or moved away. I have no family here and no one to talk to. I have some old anti-anxiety meds prescribed several years ago, but while they seem to help me sleep, they don't seem to be helping when I'm awake. I recently drank about a half-a small glass of whiskey, even though I've heard that alcohol is a depressant. When I'm online, I see things that I think my dead friend would find interesting and then I remember that he's dead. I'm in agony and I don't know what to do. Even if your friend hasn't been dead long enough for a psychiatrist to diagnose Comprehensive Bereavement Disorder, you could still see a doctor and tell him/her what's happening. If your grief is interfering with your day to day life, your job, or if you're having suicidal thoughts, you are obviously depressed and a psychiatrist could prescribe an antidepressant. If there aren't any psychiatrists in your location or if the cost is too much, you could see an internist.
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Post by aprillynn93 on Jul 8, 2018 17:21:18 GMT -5
I agree with what everyone has said here. Get out and do things with or around other people. Maybe join a grief group as well, as others have mentioned. Even if you are very sad on the inside as you are out doing things, it's ok.
My father was killed by a drunk teenager back in 2001. I was a mess at first. I wouldn't leave my house out of fear. How I could possibly deal with people when I was such a mess?!
I pretty quickly found though that sequestering myself in my house was not helping me to feel better. It was actually making things worse. It was very difficult, but I forced myself to go out. I found that I was able to cope just fine, even though I was still grieving. In fact, having to relate to other people in a "normal" fashion caused me to feel more normal, and I was able to compartmentalize my grief.
You will have times when you feel sad. You will find "triggers" that bring up your grief. Just allow yourself to go through those times. It comes and goes. You will not permanently feel this way.
I also agree with others in that it took about 2 months before I felt "normal" for most of the time. After that, I still would have sad times, but they weren't as painful as they were at first.
I still think of my dad often. My biggest fear was that I would forget him, but I have not forgotten him.
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Post by LostLenore on Jul 8, 2018 19:12:18 GMT -5
I agree with what everyone has said here. Get out and do things with or around other people. Maybe join a grief group as well, as others have mentioned. Even if you are very sad on the inside as you are out doing things, it's ok. My father was killed by a drunk teenager back in 2001. I was a mess at first. I wouldn't leave my house out of fear. How I could possibly deal people when I was such a mess?! I pretty quickly found though that sequestering myself in my house was not helping me to feel better. It was actually making things worse. It was very difficult, but I forced myself to go out. I found that I was able to cope just fine, even though I was still grieving. In fact, having to relate to other people in a "normal" fashion caused me to feel more normal, and I was able to compartmentalize my grief. You will have times when you feel sad. You will find "triggers" that bring up your grief. Just allow yourself to go through those times. It comes and goes. You will not permanently feel this way. I also agree with others in that it took about 2 months before I felt "normal" for most of the time. After that, I still would have sad times, but they weren't as painful as they were at first. I still think of my dad often. My biggest fear was that I would forget him, but I have not forgotten him. I'm sorry you lost your father so needlessly. I know you and everyone else are right when you tell me that I need to get out and be around people. I just have to find the willpower and energy to do it. I'm not eating or exercising the way I should and will have to force myself to get out among people.
I appreciate everything that Madeline, Graveyardbride, Pat, Jane and Julia said and I know they're right. But I have a special question for you because you told about your personal loss. Did you ever see, hear or feel your father after he passed? If you think I'm crazy, I'll understand. If I asked this on some other site, people would probably dismiss me as a kook. But I think that this site is different, which is the reason that I posted here. I thought that I wouldn't be laughed at by people who seem to embrace the paranormal because there are a lot of ghost stories posted as well as posts about death and dying. Thank you. - Lenore
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Grief
Jul 8, 2018 19:47:28 GMT -5
Post by aprillynn93 on Jul 8, 2018 19:47:28 GMT -5
I agree with what everyone has said here. Get out and do things with or around other people. Maybe join a grief group as well, as others have mentioned. Even if you are very sad on the inside as you are out doing things, it's ok. My father was killed by a drunk teenager back in 2001. I was a mess at first. I wouldn't leave my house out of fear. How I could possibly deal people when I was such a mess?! I pretty quickly found though that sequestering myself in my house was not helping me to feel better. It was actually making things worse. It was very difficult, but I forced myself to go out. I found that I was able to cope just fine, even though I was still grieving. In fact, having to relate to other people in a "normal" fashion caused me to feel more normal, and I was able to compartmentalize my grief. You will have times when you feel sad. You will find "triggers" that bring up your grief. Just allow yourself to go through those times. It comes and goes. You will not permanently feel this way. I also agree with others in that it took about 2 months before I felt "normal" for most of the time. After that, I still would have sad times, but they weren't as painful as they were at first. I still think of my dad often. My biggest fear was that I would forget him, but I have not forgotten him. I'm sorry you lost your father so needlessly. I know you and everyone else are right when you tell me that I need to get out and be around people. I just have to find the willpower and energy to do it. I'm not eating or exercising the way I should and will have to force myself to get out among people.
I appreciate everything that Madeline, Graveyardbride, Pat, Jane and Julia said and I know they're right. But I have a special question for you because you told about your personal loss. Did you ever see, hear or feel your father after he passed? If you think I'm crazy, I'll understand. If I asked this on some other site, people would probably dismiss me as a kook. But I think that this site is different, which is the reason that I posted here. I thought that I wouldn't be laughed at by people who seem to embrace the paranormal because there are a lot of ghost stories posted as well as posts about death and dying. Thank you. - LenoreActually I do not think it is crazy at all. Many people report seeing their loved ones after they have passed. I have thought that I have felt my dad around at times. I also feel that he has visited me a couple times in dreams.
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Post by LostLenore on Jul 9, 2018 17:51:12 GMT -5
Actually I do not think it is crazy at all. Many people report seeing their loved ones after they have passed. I have thought that I have felt my dad around at times. I also feel that he has visited me a couple times in dreams. Thank you.
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