Ridiculous Excuses for Problems 'Down There' May 12, 2016 22:58:55 GMT -5
Post by Joanna on May 12, 2016 22:58:55 GMT -5
Ridiculous Excuses People Give Doctors for Problems 'Down There'
Going to the doctor about a problem “down there” is embarrassing enough, thanks to our inability to talk about sex with anyone – even medical professionals. But imagine if you’d sustained an injury during the act itself that made it even more cringe-worthy. Would you just admit it to the person treating you? Or would you try to pass it off as something else? Medical professionals in the U.K. were asked to share “the most overtly self-inflicted sexual injury” they ever encountered which their patient had attempted to pass off as “completely innocently obtained.” Many of them will have you wincing as you read – and most involve some very odd objects getting stuck in places they never should have been.
I have to hoover [vacuum] naked. “I worked as an orderly in the local ER as a university student and a man came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis. He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy. While vacuuming, the man had become, in his own words, ‘inexplicably fatigued’ and took an impromptu nap with the Hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His arousal was, he insisted, involuntary. The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw.” – sinisterdan
I was trying to be a chicken. “Elderly man and wife enter the ED [emergency department]. The male’s in obvious distress, but he initially refused to elaborate in triage. Once roomed, he will not speak with his wife present. When alone with staff, he finally tells us. He had a plastic Easter egg lodged deep in his bum. When asked what happened, he replies: ‘I wanted to know what it’s like to be a chicken.’” – baconair
Ducks ripped my scrotum open. “Friend of mine is an A&E [accident and emergency] nurse. She had a bloke come in who had his scrotum ripped open. It turned out he liked to wade into the local pond stark naked and scatter bread around his genitalia for the ducks to nibble on. One had got impatient and gone for the whole payday in one chomp, and refused to let go. He had eventually ripped the skin pulling it [the duck] off.” – Ioethe
I fell asleep listening to music. “Teenager comes in complaining that he can’t pee. I take him to an examination room and ask him to drop his pants and to my utter surprise I see two iPhone earbuds [ear phones] sticking out of his penis! His story was that he was sleeping naked while listening to music and his earbuds must have fallen out, and while he was tossing and turning, they naturally worked their way into his penis. Anyway, he ended up needing surgery because they’d knotted and we were unable to remove them with the cystoscope.” – toneyoth
I’ve been eating carrot soup. “My aunt is a doctor (and usually pretty strict about her vow of silence) and one day this old guy showed up with a carrot stuck in his backside. It’s obviously awkward, so my aunt decided not to ask too many questions. But the dude was constantly like ‘How did this happen?’ and I swear to god (well, my aunt does) that the guy kept asking if it might’ve been because he’d eaten carrot soup two days before.” – Alliki
I like naked arts and crafts. A urologist said he’d had a few incidents recently, one of which was: “Penis stuck in the handles of a pair of scissors. The penis had gotten so swollen that we couldn’t get the scissors off despite squeezing his penis for 30 minutes. Had to Dremel [brand of tool] off the scissors. He said that he fell asleep in his chair while doing arts and crafts naked and didn’t realize until he woke up that the scissors had ring-tossed onto his dong.” – SpermRobot
Leftover fried chicken. “A teenage boy came into the Emergency Department with his mother. I remember he was wearing a long coat and looked kind of glum. Turns out he’d ordered too much KFC and had a drumstick left, so what did he decide to do? That’s right, he shoved it up his arse [ass]. Now, the arse wants what it wants and refused to give the chicken leg back, so after some unsuccessful manipulation, he did what any teenage boy would do in a situation with no easy solution. He called his mother. After she also failed to remove the chicken leg, it was determined that a visit to hospital was in order. I remember that after the receptionist took the details, she directed them to the waiting room and told them to ‘sit over there’ and with a perfectly straight face the mum said, ‘I think we'll stand.’” – nuclear_herring
The Henry Hoover [cannister vacuum cleaner] gave it away. “Guy came in with a vacuum cleaner nozzle around his penis. Tried to hide it and his nakedness by wearing a greatcoat – probably would have gotten away with it except that he didn’t detach the Henry Hoover, which was trailing in after him.” – sparki101
Source: Nicola Oakley, The Mirror, May 12, 2016.