'A Christmas Lesson'

'A Christmas Lesson'

Three days before Christmas and we’re not at the mall,
We’re stuck on the highway, traffic’s a crawl.
And I in the driver’s seat, my wife by my side,
Was wishing we were anywhere except on this ride.
The children in back were on their cell phones
And I was thinking, we’ll never get home.

We circled the parking lot for what seemed like forever
‘til I cut off an old lady – quite an endeavor!
And deftly backed into a handicapped spot,
Security would be busy, I wouldn’t get caught!
The kids applauded my fine driving skills
And I had to admit, I was somewhat thrilled.

Once in the mall, the kids started begging
For more spending money than we thought they needed.
But we doled out more cash and said, “Now go.”
We’re the kind of parents who never say No!
Off they went arguing, one with the other,
Our daughter suspecting we gave more to her brothers.

Now to the computer store to search for a game
That everyone is getting, or so our son claims.
There’s just one left and my wife cries, “Oh, shit!”
So I shoved someone aside while she grabbed it!
Now to the jewelry store, our girl wants a ring
With diamonds and sapphires, she’s quite into bling!

My mother’s place of abode is on the way home
And I know she’s been waiting and she’s all alone.
But my wife said, “No, she’s such a drag
And now that she’s older, she’s a bitter old hag!”
So I drove right on past the huge nursing home
After all, I now had kids of my own.

Christmas Eve night and the tree’s all a-glitter.
The presents beneath couldn’t be prettier.
All professionally wrapped and from all the best stores.
Our family had it made, who could want more?
Our lives were so wonderful, it was like magic
And we all bedded down to await Old St. Nick.

Then up on the rooftop I heard such a noise,
I jumped out of bed to check on the boys.

Then remembering it was Christmas Eve night,
I hurried back to bed and turned out the light.
But instead of the prancing of small reindeer feet,
I heard screeching – what could it be?

I looked out the window and cried out in fright,
As I saw a huge beast from his black sleigh alight.
Long tail and horns, sturdy whip in hand,
He ascended the stairs and the hallway he scanned.
First to our girl’s room, we heard her cry out,
Then to the boys’ room, what’s this all about?

I ran after him, this old ugly devil
And asked where was Santa – his laugh was evil!
“Santa visits good folks, you got Krampus instead
And I’m taking your spoiled brats out to the shed!
And you and your wife aren’t off the hook!”
He bellowed so loudly, the entire house shook.

When morning came, our home was a mess,
And we were so sore, we could hardly get dressed.
Welts covered our bodies from that old demon’s lashes
And all those great gifts were just piles of ashes.
So we learned a lesson that will always stay with us.
Forget about Santa, don’t piss off Krampus!